The T-Oscars

As it's the end of the season I'll take a trip down memory lane and dish out some of these Golden Poulsen's at the 1st (maybe) Annual Toscars

Golden Poulsen's.

It would be easy to name a team of the year full of Man Utd, Man City and Chelsea players (i.e the PFA Team of the Year). The problem with their side is they don’t seem to recognise the achievement of a player given the level of the side they are playing in. For example, Vincent Kompany is a great defender playing in a good side which naturally makes it “easier” to defend. But worthy of being in team of the year? No.  I’ve done this side based on the players individual contribution to their teams performance this season considering the expectation level of the club they play for.

Pepe Reina

It was a three way choice between Reina, Van der Sar and Joe Hart. I chose Reina because I am a bit biased but to be fair the stats are also in his favour. He played every minute of every game this season and was for at least half of that season playing behind a shambolic defence still managing a respectable fourteen clean sheets, the same as Van der Sar. Hart kept eighteen clean sheets but that’s easier when you have Kompany and Lescott infront of you, not Kyrgiakos and Skrtel.

Michel Salgado

There are no outstanding candidates for right back this season. Bacary Sagna seems to be named in most teams of the season but I don’t think any Arsenal defensive players are deserving of recognition after the leads they have thrown away this season. Martin Kelly had a good run of form but his injury cut short his season. Rafael did well for Man Utd but he played in less than half their games. So because Salgado is pushing 40, for him to play 36 games this season deserves a bit of credit.  I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to hear this news.

Nemanja Vidic

With 36 appearances, 5 goals and a league winners medal Vidic is in every team of the year. It’s the most appearances Vidic has made in a league season since he signed for Man Utd and they only lost three games when he played.

Robert Huth

I chose Robert Huth not just for his Premier League season but his contribution to Stoke’s FA Cup run. He played in 35 league games contributing 6 goals with a further 3 goals in their run to the cup final. 

Leighton Baines

Baines was an obvious choice for left back. He was another player who started in every game this season and managing 5 goals and 11 assists from left back is some achievement. His free kick against Chelsea in the FA Cup was a great highlight of the season for anybody that doesn’t like Chelsea too. 

Scott Parker

If you browse any West Ham forum with the exception of Rob Green, Parker is the only player most of their fans don’t want thrown out the club this summer. If West Ham had signed more Scott Parker’s and less Freddie Ljungberg’s/Kieron Dyer’s then I doubt they would be heading into the Championship. Before his injury West Ham were in decent form, after it is when their no wins in 7 began. Figures.

Luka Modric

In my opinion Modric is one of the best midfielders in the whole league. If any Spurs midfielder should of won the awards Gareth Bale did, it should of been Modric. Only scored 3 goals in 32 starts this season but to quote his manager, “E’zz a top top PLAYA”.

Kevin Nolan

It’s harsh to not put Charlie Adam into a team of the year but I’m going for Kevin Nolan because unlike Adam, his goals are mainly scored from open play. Plus unlike Blackpool, Newcastle didn’t get relegated and Nolan was their top scorer for the season with 12 goals. Without his goals Newcastle probably would have been relegated with or instead of Blackpool. Despite the annoying “chicken dance” – he’s in.

Peter Odemwingie

His transfer from Lokomotiv Moscow to West Brom for 2.5 million is what you call value for money, considering he scored 15 goals through the season. It’s safe to suggest he can take a lot of the credit for West Brom playing in the Premier League next season.

Carlos Tevez

I don’t like the guy, but let’s be honest, without him Man City are absolutely shit. He scored 20 goals from 31 starts this season and carries their side in the same way Torres did for Liverpool for a few years. If he does leave in the summer Man City will struggle to replace him. 

Darren Bent

His £20 million move to Aston Villa in January raised more than a few eyebrows but he was proven right in the end with his new team eventually finishing above his old team Sunderland. If you take the points earned directly from his 11 goals for Villa, they would have been relegated in 19^th on 37 points. I doubt it’s a coincidence that Sunderland went from European challengers to at one stage relegation battlers once he left either.

Manager Of The Season

Fergie

As much as I would like to give it to Kenny Dalglish for taking the team that “wasn’t Roy’s team so none of it is his fault at all, all the nasty Spaniards fault” and proving that myth wrong it has to go to Mr Ferguson. Off the pitch I think he is an arrogant bully, but on it he has done it again. The amount of times he has been written off and then built another title winning side, well it’s annoying! If Tony Pulis had won the FA Cup or Holloway had kept Blackpool up they would of got it. But as it is, there is only one winner, Alex Ferguson. 

Game Of The Season – Tottenham 3-3 Arsenal

Wenger: Upset

It’s a narrow win for one Arsenal collapse over another collapse at Newcastle. But this game was entertaining from start to finish and exposed everything that is right and wrong with Arsenal.

Signing Of The Season – Javier Hernandez

No nickname.

Seen as Odemwingie got into my team of the year, I’ll give this one to the grown man I absolutely refuse to refer to as that Latin nickname. For apparently £8 million he was a bargain and would probably be worth at least double that now. Luis Suarez deserves an honourable mention as he had some massive boots to fill and made every Liverpool fan forget that Spanish twat very quickly. 

Flop Of The Season - Fernando Torres

Tosser

Speaking of that Spanish twat. On account of costing £50 million more, he beats Joe “Messi” Cole.

Most Improved Player Of The Year - Lucas Leiva

From zero to hero. Lucas Leiva. Fact.

The “Did I fucking hear that right?!” Moment of the Season Award

You can really take your pick through any Roy Hodgson press conference for the runners and riders for this. The writers of the This Is Anfield website even coined these as “Royisms” 

Definition: A Royism is an inexplicable decision, quotation or action made by Liverpool manager Roy Hodgson. Royism’s were first detected in July 2010 and have multiplied precariously ever since. Execution of a Royism can leave the subject open to animosity and ridicule.

My personal favourites are:

They'll be a formidable challenge – there's no question about that.

Before the League Cup tie with League Two super power....Northampton Town

That was as good as we have played all season.....  To get a result here – against Everton – would have been Utopia.

After the disgraceful performance at Goodison Park. Utopia? Liverpool won their last season.

It's not as if he'll be playing with a bunch of also-rans. I'm not asking him to play in the reserves.

On asking Torres to play against FC Utrecht, whilst also managing to really motivate the lads in the reserves

I think it would be a sad day for football and for Liverpool if someone who had been brought in with the pomp and circumstance, and the money it took them to release me from my previous contract, and being feted as one of England's best managers – if after eight games people are deciding this guy has got to go.

Ever the modest soul

But the ultimate “Royism” will always be

What do you mean do my methods translate? They have translated from Halmstad to Malmo to Orebo to Neuchatel Xamax to the Swiss national team. So I find the question insulting. To suggest that, because I have moved from one club to another, that the methods which have stood me in good stead for 35 years and made me one of the most respected coaches in Europe don’t suddenly work, is very hard to believe.

That’s quite enough Roy.

However, I will save the blushes of Roy Hodgson because nothing he said will come anywhere close to Sky Sports gobshite, Jamie Redknapp when I heard him talking about the signing of Paul Konchesky at the start of the season. The “Did I fucking hear that right?!” Moment of the Season Award goes to Mr Redknapp for:

"Liverpool fans, who may have been looking for big money signings, might not appreciate the quality of Paul Konchesky. But he's a good signing for Roy Hodgson, who knows what he is getting after they worked together at Fulham last season. I played with Paul at Spurs and he's a superb one-on-one defender, with quick feet and who loves the showdown between full-back and winger. It's hard to find good left backs. He's one of them."

Oh dear.....

Survival Sunday

Unnamed Premier League Footballer in unfortunate seat next to signage clanger

So another manager bites the dust courtesy of Roman Abramovich’s one man crusade for the European Cup. Considering he is so desperate to win the trophy, it begs the question why he has sacked two managers who have won the thing twice? The writing was on the wall for Ancelotti for months until it his sacking was confirmed last night. It should be a shock but with it being Chelsea, it just isn’t. They’ve had more managers in their dugout than Imogen Thomas has had footballers in her bed. Abramovich’s next manager will be his seventh since he took over in 2003, that’s one per year. A sensible owner would surely look to address why despite some serious investment over the last three years they are still reliant upon the spine of the side that won them the title in 2005 and there has no youth development under his entire ownership.  It will be a brave manager to take on the Chelsea job next, where winning the double followed up by a second place finish is not enough and taking on a club which from the outside seems to be run by a mixture of the dressing room and the owner. 

I’d argue that the reason Chelsea haven’t dominated the way that was predicted when Roman started throwing his roubles round is because of him. His interference must be a nightmare for his managers. For Mourinho see Ancelotti and for Shevchenko see Torres. Once Ancelotti had his assistant Ray Wilkins sacked from underneath him by Abramovich he was a dead man walking. If as speculation suggests, perennial failure and toad lookalike Avram Grant returns to Chelsea in some capacity this summer I would advise Chelsea fans take the streets of West London and riot. They wouldn't though because they are so reliant on his money he can do whatever he wants, and he continually does to the detriment of the long term future of their club.

Luckily for Ancelotti, the rest of the football world understands how Chelsea works so his sacking won’t affect his reputation. He was always dignified and took victory and defeat in equal grace and he had a great eyebrow. I remember hearing Chelsea fans wanting him sacked after he lost to St Mourinho’s Inter Milan in the European Cup last season.....he went onto to win a league and cup double. He was always too good for that lot. 

Onto his successor, well there is one obvious and outstanding choice. Even though Marco Van Basten and Guus Hiddink are the favourites I firmly believe Abramovich will see sense and appoint the man with the ego of Mourinho, the face of the back of a bin lorry and the belly of Rick Waller.

 

“I'm not suited to Bolton or Blackburn, I would be more suited to Internazionale or Real Madrid. It wouldn't be a problem to me to go and manage those clubs because I would win the Double or the league every time. Give me Manchester United or Chelsea and I would do the same, it wouldn't be a problem. It's not where I'm suited to, it's just where I've been for most of the time. It's not a problem to take me into the higher reaches of the Champions League or Premier League and would make my job a lot easier in winning it.”

You need to act fast Roman. It’s only a matter of a time before Barcelona or Real Madrid are banging Big Sam’s door down.

Super-duper-whooper-trooper Survival Sunday came and went and sadly Paul Merson didn’t combust with the excitement. But the trap door did open and Blackpool and Birmingham fell through it with half football club, half soap opera West Ham. Blackpool will be missed, but Birmingham and West Ham will not. Both of those clubs have been run like a circus for years and now they’re paying the price. Alex McLeish has also managed to join relegation specialist Avram Grant in relegating a club from the Premier League twice. Being compared to Avram Grant is not something you want on your C.V. 

Blackpool‘s you score eight we’ll score eighteen mentality is what ultimately cost them their place in the Premier League. The fact they took their survival fight to the final day of the season was a minor miracle itself. If they had cashed in on Charlie Adam in January and bought some defenders they might have stood a chance. If you concede 78 goals over 38 games it doesn’t matter how many you score, you aren’t going to survive. Blackpool did entertain over the season but so did Wigan and Wolves. You couldn’t compare either of their styles to the shuddersome and distressing football served up by Blackburn. Over the course of the season Martinez and McCarthy seemed to grasp the concept of defending, something Blackpool never managed in throwing away 2-0 leads numerous times and both men have been rewarded for a more sensible style of management. I was pleased for Roberto Martinez because while Wigan aren’t everybody’s cup of tea he has kept them up without resorting to toxic football or Allardyce football as it is better known. 

Blackpool and Birmingham’s relegations were for the complete opposite reasons. While Blackpool couldn’t defend, Birmingham couldn’t score, 37 goals from 38 games is poor. If you put Blackpool’s attack and Birmingham’s defence together you’d probably have a half decent side!

Unlike Birmingham and West Ham, Blackpool can go down with as much pride as you can in relegation but at least they gave it a go. It’s unfortunate that the league loses rent a quote Ian Holloway and gains rent a gob Neil Warnock. But I still hold out hope that QPR will perform schadenfreude on Warnock before the start of the season, just for my own amusement. 

It would be churlish of me to not congratulate Manchester United for winning the league. They have been the best side this season and I managed to get this picture of their coronation as champions yesterday. Really pleased for them all. 

The Man Utd Twit-Off

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

At the risk of turning this into a Twitter review, I will anyway. 

I’d like to thank Twitter for proving to me once and for all that “WAZZA” is an illiterate moron. I’m not sure if this tit went to school but if he did, it should be closed down. 

WayneRooney Wayne Rooney

A scouser knocks Liverpool of there perch. Haha. An evertoniian aswell. Yes. People. U can't imagine how happy I am tonight. Believe

To be fair it did hurt to be knocked OF the perch.  OF? THERE? EVERTONIIAN? ONE WORD SENTENCES? BELIEVE WHAT!? I can imagine how happy he was that night so I hope he also can imagine how happy I was when I heard about his love of the "elderly". But there was more to come......

WayneRooney Wayne Rooney

Utd til I die. Everton til I die. Believe. Come together. The beatles. Leg.

United till I die >>>>>>>>> NO YOU’RE NOT

Rooney hands in transfer request

Everton till I die >>>>>>>>  NO YOU AREN'T

NO YOU AREN'T

AND NO YOU AREN'T

I'll rewrite this tweet for him:

WayneRooney Wayne Rooney 

 Money till I die. Selfish till I die. Believe in money. Come together for me and money. The beatles. Leg. ME ME ME.

Also special mention to Michael Owen for this beauty:

themichaelowen michael owen

Filling out the forms so I can buy my allocation of 16 tickets for the Champions League Final. Just seen the price of them. £225 each. Joke.

Overpaid footballer who has contributed fuck all and earned a shed load complaining about UEFA pricing? Not just that, taking 16 tickets off the fans? Fuck off Owen, seriously, fuck off.

Credit where it’s due to Glasgow Rangers for winning a league which is the equivalent of a yearly coin toss. I heard a Scottish guy on the TV after Neil Lennon was punched by that Hearts fan claim the only way to stop the sectarian element of Scottish football was for them to join the English Premier League. I like the irony of a nation which has just voted a national party into their parliament wanting independence, still harping on about joining the English league. Go away and keep your bigoted nonsense to yourselves.

I can't take the credit for the following image but it deserves to be shared. It's not suitable for anyone really but it's very funny.

No not this

THIS!

Harry Redknapp

Droopy

Apologies for these rantings drying up lately, due to me having to actually do real life things I’ve had to contain them to just my head. That’s if anyone actually missed them.

I just called, to say, Harry Redknapp is a dickhead. Just who the fuck does he think he is managing? To hear him this week claim he’d rather Spurs not be in Europe instead of having to play in the Europa League next season shows how far he is up his own backside. One season in the European Cup and Harry and co think they are Barcelona, which is probably to do with the fact ITV and chums have been licking their arse all season. 

Maybe ‘Arry’s arrogance is understandable as UEFA have created such disparity between their two competitions it allows people like him to get away with talking such shit. After all, football is all about money, how foolish for anybody to be actually interesting in winning a legitimate piece of silverware. ‘Arry claims “It disrupts you. Last year we didn't have European football and we ended up finishing fourth, and that was a big advantage to us”. This wouldn’t be so ridiculous if the team sat in ‘Arry’s coverted fourth place hadn’t themselves had a long run in the competition he deems below his side these days. 

I’m not sure where the perception that the Europa League hinders clubs comes from. Has it hindered Porto this season? They’ve almost won every game this season and are on course for a treble. Villarreal reached the semi final, and they are going to qualify for next seasons Champions League.  Man City and possibly Liverpool could finish above Spurs and they both played in it for the majority of the season. Once you lose your seat at the top table it’s not so easy to get your place back, Juventus, Sevilla and Liverpool providing good examples of this. So perhaps Redknapp would be best keeping his mouth shut and doing his talking through his results. I don’t know maybe if UEFA started paying clubs £40000000 billion for playing a qualifier in Macedonia in late June as they do in the Champions League, Redknapp would start respecting the competition.

Truth is, Spurs and their saggy faced manager have had one sniff of the Champions League and suddenly they’re too big for the Europa League. Redknapp needs a reality check, he is delusional which ironically will help him settle into the Ingurland job onces he inevitably gets it. One win from eleven games and the guy is still being mentioned as Manager of the Year. I rank him alongside Steve Bruce who regardless how much he spends and how bad his team performs is still “a great guy” and “a top manager”. Bollocks. Tony Pulis is better than the pair of them. 

Listening to the London press, Spurs have had an unbelievable season, Bale is Player of the Year and Saggy Face is Manager of the Year. They haven’t, he isn’t and he shouldn’t be. 

His son’s a cunt as well.

I could pay tribute to Manchester United on climbing onto “the fucking perch” and say well done guys. But I won’t. I also definitely won’t wish them to impale themselves onto the thing.